Have you heard of this?
It’s a heavy bible study. Heavy. Weighty. Big. Our entire church has been asked and encouraged to start it within our small groups this past week. I ordered the wrong book off Amazon (regular kindle book and not the workbook).
I think we were all collectively in agreement that this is NOT going to be an easy, chat-about-bible-times and go about our week type of study.
Wouldn’t you know, that each of the past three mornings I’ve woken up around 4-5 am with a distinct urgency to read a chapter? I love my sleep. I LOVE SLEEP. Sleep is my bff and I rarely get enough of it.
But here we are. Doubt me if you want that doesn’t bother me.
This entire adoption and just life lately though has been such a colliding, bizarre collection of incidence. Coincidences that aren’t. That’s my new go-to phrase. The connections with new friends, the financing coming in, the personal realizations, and the changes in our worldviews. Every little piece is being revealed in perfect time.
I can feel that deep, hardened pit of distrust inside me being crushed. The anxiousness over paperwork, Liam’s health, and so much more has dissipated. It’s certainly not by my strength of will either. I get myself stirred up and I struggle.
This week I had to think through one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to imagine. Another loss. It’s a what if hypothetical but it’s something I personally needed to confront in my heart. It’s been a part of why I’m losing sleep fundraising and losing patience with our paper chase.
What if the worst happens?
If Liam dies before we get to him I have to believe and know that God’s value for his life is higher than mine could ever be. I have to believe that God has a reason and a purpose. That I have to be willing to accept this as part of our story… the bad with the good.
But really, bringing home a medically needy baby and thinking it was going to be all unicorns and butterflies would be naive. I’ve tried to be grounded and realistic. My husband has taken the stand of having no expectations, taking one day at a time, and hoping for the best for our new son. (Whatever that may look like for him individually.)
Going a step further and saying, honestly, that we will trust God EVEN IF things go a horrible way; the worst imaginable way at this time . . . is the biggest hurdle I’ve come up against yet. I’ve cried a lot of tears and said a lot of prayers (and begging and pleading) over this.
I’m not confident but I want to have the courage to say out loud as I type this we will trust God through this no matter what. Only God.
We love Liam and we want, more than anything, to just love on him through his life.
None of this is meant lightly.
It’s just our reality. The truth is we have NO IDEA what our future with our sweet boy holds. We don’t have a complete medical file (far, far from it) and he has not been treated for his medical needs (hydrocephalus) in any way yet. We are saying yes to Liam no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT.
Could we expend $30,000 for him to pass away as we are on our flight over? Could we arrive at our hospital in the USA only for him to say goodbye soon after? Yes. These are my biggest fears. Not because of the loss of money or the time spent or anything like that. . . but because of the loss of this life, this baby boy we have so deeply fallen in love with would break me and bring me so low. God is the only thing to fill in a gap that big.
I have to accept that.
Less of me is more of Him. I am truly so, so small. Yet, He is powerful enough and loves me enough to raise me up and hold me close. No matter what.
So as we begin this Experiencing God study this is where we are and I just wonder what he has ahead of us. God has said follow me to this boy in this country over 5000 miles away and so we are. We believe it is because we are meant to be his parents and bring him home. But daily since we saw his face 4 months ago we’ve realized more and more that our plans are so small and simple and even dull compared to God’s.
He loves Liam more than any other person does. He loves me more than any other person loves me. The same for my husband and all of our children. For those in our church, community, and country. Those there in Liam’s first home. His first family, first community, and first country.
We don’t know the depths of what God has for us as we follow but through all the insistence on our own plans, the demand for our best ideas, and the doubts of his provision we keep following. I should be more scared and anxious, there will certainly be days I hit lows, but right now I am at peace.
God truly writes the best stories. I have to stop fighting him on what’s in mine. Every day just knowing of Liam is a gift. Any time we get with him is priceless. We, more than anyone, have been so immeasurably blessed all ready by God’s plan. We are so undeserving but look at us and see what He can do with so little.