I spent a lot of time last night up praying and thinking and reading and crying and being very human. I slept on and off all night.
We are in one heck of a rut from my perspective. Liam has all ready had to wait far too long for us. 4 months since match.
Our youcaring page hasn’t budged in over a month. Our Reece’s Rainbow has moved little. Other fundraisers are trickling in but not meeting expectations. Grants we applied for are all in limbo.
We’ve been fundraising like crazy people, sending out every grant application we might qualify for, my husband working as much overtime as he can, staying up all hours putting the puzzle back together or crafting things to sell or getting paperwork done.
But the remaining $17,000 feels so far away.
I Don’t Know
People ask how he’s doing and on the one hand we don’t really know. They can’t just go get a full medical workup in his country like you could roll down the road to the hospital and get here. We don’t know.
On the other hand, honestly, he’s dying. Slowly and quickly at the same time. We have no idea how badly he’s truly doing from a medical standpoint. I know he’s in pain, his brain is being damaged, his little body is fighting off skin infection, and he shouldn’t have to be fighting so damn hard while he waits so long for us.
I’m trying not to feel defeated when I know that I know that I know God takes care of us and God loves Liam.
I know because I’ve been on this rollercoaster for four months and every time I hit this deep dark place of doubt I’m reminded cleanly and clearly that God has this. Every horrible thing that has made us question our choices (yes.) has been redeemed through “coincidence” and prayer and our eyes opened wider.
Pray for Us
I don’t get any of this. I won’t pretend to know or understand. Other than we’re here and a part of this and we are what Liam has right now.
I just need prayer, once again, for my ability to follow God and see where he is at rather than following my own plans and asking him to come to where I am. My husband has been my rock through all of this but he’s scared too.
Liam isn’t just going to do big things when he’s medically treated and American. NO. He has all ready done big things. This little being over 5000 miles away. This little bitty boy. He’s opened our eyes to the need in his home country. He’s given us opportunity to connect with AMAZING families and people. Our church now has connections with a new ministry in HIS COUNTRY of all countries in the world so we can get our hands and feet in there in some permanent way. He’s opened other’s eyes to the needs too. He might just be opening yours right now. He’s been so strong. Stronger than I’ve ever been or ever will be. He’s going to do so, so much with his life no matter how long he lives. We’re just grateful to be a part of it.
I swear, whether he dies waiting or comes home to all we want to be for him . . . we will represent him in all we do from here on out. There’s not a thing Doubt and Worry can do to stop that. Satan can’t stop our eyes from being opened and seeing. He can’t divert our focus. The mountains are going to be moved.
Because this little hand and all he is and ever will be is everything.