I have this big problem. It’s something I’m not proud of and I don’t know I’m doing it a lot of the time. A realization might come over me and I’m sighing at myself. #SMH is an appropriate hashtag.
My humanness is like reaaaallly good at being human. If that even makes any sense?
It’s really a mental hurdle that I keep butting my head up against over and over again. I’m the learn-the-hard-way type. Because being stubborn and slow to trust has done me so many favors? No, really. It’s a challenge for me.
What is it I do?
Like a big idiot, I put God in a box. God. In. A box.
Sometimes it actually feels like he’s waiting for me to catch on to my bad habit before being like “SEE? I’ve got you”. I did it again today in the worst way. I’m focused on MY doing and MY effort and MY hard work and MY frustration. With every bout of me-me-me I find myself swimming in a circle. A cycle of “not enough” that is confusing and left to human ways for comfort.
I’m not enough so . . . try to do more.
I’m not enough . . . so work harder.
I’m not enough . . . so point out others flaws.
I’m not enough so . . . give up.
NO. No, no, no, no, no.
I’m not enough. God is.
Do you know how powerful that statement is all by itself?
As if the way I fundraise, the way I parent, or the way I do the wife thing make all the difference. While my decisions and choices hold weight and make waves by effecting others lives I’m in no way the gravity and the force and the cornerstone. I’m not the end all, be all.
God is. God is everything. He is ALL powerful not sometimes powerful. The Creator is ALL knowing and EVER lasting not slow or dismissive or finite. The God I know IS and always has been and always will be.
Yet I surmise that without ME he is limited. That somehow I am the tool he must have to get his work done. Really? I can choose to be a tool, yes. I can choose to be a part of His story or I can fight against it.
Like Frodo telling Tolkien he didn’t like the way something was going and he would just rather not anymore. Or like Harry in the very beginning saying no to Rowling because he was hurting and didn’t want more hurt. Like Jonah. Like Paul.
I hope that God will use the story of our lives to show others how BIG and loving and good he is through it all. I hope he always gently reminds me in my human fight to be enough that he is unlimited. Unlimited overflow into my limits. I know that despite me He can use me. He is unlimited.